he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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