He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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