Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Four minutes until I can fart!
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize