I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
