He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
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