An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize