just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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