just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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