i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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