so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
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