i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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