the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
