You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Randomize
