Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Randomize
