All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
