mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize
