she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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