Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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