Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Are we still banned from the library?
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Randomize
