I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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