You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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