You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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