Tell her she can't have a vagina
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Randomize
