Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
