even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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