I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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