She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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