maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize