My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
