then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
