Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
