Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
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