I don't usually arrange sex via text message
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
