can we get nightvision for the apartment?
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
