im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Randomize
