she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Randomize
