His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Lo siento on account of my penis...
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
