so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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