some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
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