If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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