i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
