I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
