They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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