Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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