I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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