you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Randomize
