I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
