Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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