worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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