I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
