Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
