it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
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