Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Someone came in the potted fern
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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