I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
