I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
