People in love make me want to vomit
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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