i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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