Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
