She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize