i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Randomize
