Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
