He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
