finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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