I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I AM VODKA MAN
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
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