well I can't set my house on fire every night
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I forgot wine drunk hurts
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
