you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
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